In case you haven’t discovered yet, Malta is an island = plenty of awesome beaches! Here we will not just tell you which beaches are the best, but also what kind of people you expect to meet on Maltese beaches.
With summer right round the corner, we at Where’s Malta thought it was the perfect time to dust the sand from our beach towels, buy a new bottle of sunscreen and well, discuss the ten best beaches in Malta and the three types of people that will literally be descending on our beaches like the biblical plague of locusts in just a few short weeks. Fortunately (or unfortunately), you won’t need your binoculars to identify this lot!
Top 10 Beaches in Malta
1. Mellieha Bay
2. Golden Bay
3. Gnejna Bay
4. Blue Lagoon
5. Little Armier
6. Paradise Bay
7. Dahlet Qorrot
8. Ramla Bay
9. St Thomas Bay
10. Xlendi Bay
Top 3 Types of People you will meet on Maltese Beaches
1. The Northern European tourist: Usually hailing from the Northern territories, this poor sunstroke-prone bunch literally look like they have no idea what hit them when the Meds descend on the beach in their droves at around nine in the morning. Despite setting down their towels and trying to set up a small perimeter in order to respect other people’s space, they are little prepared for the fact that the Meds have no concept of the latter and will probably loudly setup house right on the edge of clueless tourist’s towel and liberally throw sand onto his things as if it were confetti.
Clueless Northern tourist will eventually give up trying to give meaningful looks to his unwanted neighbour and will eventually depart the beach at around midday feeling like he’s been in a fight with a bunch of rowdy chickens. On getting home, he will probably realise that he has to visit the nearest pharmacy for after-sun cream and sunstroke medication.
2. The Mediterranean tourist: Loud and in charge, this lot are used to the sun and lots of it. Growing up with adverts of topless women and believing that sunscreen is optional, they nakedly descend on the beach early and won’t move from their allocated spot till the stars are firmly twinkling in the sky. Despite living around areas where sea is a natural resource, many of them don’t know how to swim very well or have no desire to do so. While Northern Europeans usually get into the sea to swim, this bunch slides down their tops and bottoms as far as possible without being arrested and stand in the shallow water for hours at a time just doing nothing. The more amorous of them will have no compunctions about giving everyone else at the beach a front row seat to the ins and outs of their physical relationship.
3. The Maltese: Much like their Mediterranean cousins, the Maltese will lay claim to a piece of beach quite early in the day and will basically not move from there unless they are hit by an earthquake. Despite the Maltese’s great love of tanning oils, the top half of the fairer sex’s bodies will remain firmly covered and should one of their compatriots decide to do otherwise, she will be firmly reprimanded and reminded that there are children in the vicinity and as a fellow Malteser, she should know better.
At midday a couple of members of the group will go and fetch some ubiquitous ‘hobz biz-zejt’ for the rest of the crowd (items are never left alone for fear of theft/and or someone stealing the chosen towel spot). The rest of the day is usually spent looking around at what everyone else is wearing and trying to decide whether or not the neighbour’s daughter who is seated twenty metres away has a new boyfriend. The day ends with mothers pouring bottled water over their children’s feet because sand in the car needs to be avoided like the plague.